Derek Jeter’s struggles have continued and it is our duty to find out what the heckle is going on.

After Derek’s anything but heroic effort with the bases loaded last night, we immediately got on the phone with our Senior Scientist Dirk Krabopel to break it down. Dirk is not actually a “real” Scientist, but he did dress up like one for Halloween last year, so we feel he is overly qualified.

Let’s see what Dirk had to say.

“This is quite simple, Derek is using a whiffle ball bat.” He said.

We looked into it and it appears that Derek’s bat is in fact yellow and made out of plastic. But why? Why would Jetaroo use a plastic bat instead of a wooden one?

“It’s simple, he is preparing for an endorsement with Wally’s Whiffle Ball Bats and Stuff. Wally’s Whiffle Ball Bat’s and Stuff is the leading manufacturer of whiffle bats and stuff. If Derek keeps up his crappy play, he will start losing his real endorsements.“ Dirk said.

“Just last week, my son was asking where we could buy him a whiffle ball, a whiffle ball bat, and of course… some stuff. I told him Wally’s Whiffle Ball Bats and Stuff. Wally [Dirk's son] was ecstatic, because his name is also Wally. As you can see this is the direct cause for Jeter's poor performance. It's because he is using a Whiffle ball bat!” He said with an arrogant grin.

We were floored by these findings. We had no idea that Wally’s Whiffle Ball Bats and Stuff had such great competitive prices.

"Kevin Long has been so busy fixing Granderson's, Cano's, Arod's, Pena's, Gardner's, Cano's, Swisher's, Cervelli's, Posada's, and Cano's swing, that he didn't even notice Jeter's bat." Dirk continued on for another half hour, but we had to cut him off due to time constraints.

With the most scientific explanation possible, we once again delivered up the goods.

Yankees dropped this one 3-1, in a very frustrating fashion.

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This is a story of overcoming adversity, facing challenges, and resiliency. Aceves has been on the DL since mid-May when he went down with a lower back injury. While out with his injury, it is rumored that Alfredo battled a long addiction with overdosing on popular kids cereals such as Count Chocula. An unreliable source has also seen him carousing with the likes of Lindsey Lohan and Heidi Fleiss.

Spencer Primavera, a friend of Alfredo's explains:

"It was real sad to see Al [Aceves] like that. I would stop over early in the morning to check on him and there were empty cereal boxes and milk carton's everywhere." he said. "I knew he had a problem when he thought that he went def, only to find out that he had lucky charms stuck in his ear. I knew I had to get him help, so I did."

Aceves was said to be cooperative, but released this unconfirmed statement:

“They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been bad but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go, go, go”

We are not sure why he said this, but think his rehab is a giant step in the right direction. As you know we are big advocates for COP [Cereal Overdose Prevention.] We expect him to make a full recovery and make two more appearances in Double A Trenton Rehab, before returning to NY.

Our thoughts are with him during this difficult time.

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Monday
DET: Scherzer (7-9, 4.03 ERA)
NYY: Vazquez (9-8, 4.90 ERA)

Tuesday
DET: Verlander (13-7, 3.72 ERA)
NYY: Sabathia (15-5, 3.14 ERA)

Wednesday
DET: Bonderman (6-8, 5.16 ERA)
NYY: Moseley (2-2, 4.41 ERA)

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If I can remember the dialogue correctly it went something like this.

John: Suzyn, I can't tell what is hotter Texas or good ole Kansas City. It is so hot it feels like the sun is on the field. Speaking of Sun, go out and get a Sunkist soda to quench your thirst. Sunkist, the thirst quencher.

Suzyn Goodness Gracious John the count went from 3-5 to.. Um I mean 3-1 to 3-2. I think it is one of those heat wave mirages John. Wouldn't you agree?

John: and the 1-2, Suzyn, it doesn't matter how you slice it, the Yankees always have trouble with pitchers they haven't seen before.

Suzyn Yeah, I was in the jacuzzi with Ramiro Pena today and I was asking him. Hey Ramiro, why do you think the batters have trouble with new pitchers?

John: Speaking of hitters, Suzyn, you can hit up AAMCO for a pair of new brakes. Whenever you need a new catalytic converter, go to the guys over at AAMCO. Double A - Beep Beep MCO.

Suzyn Ok Jowhn. It's time for the out of town score board. Tampa is losing to the Orioles 3-3, Boston is down to their last out against Tampa 3-2... Excuse me, the Orioles are not playing Tampa, they are playing Oakland. Check that, they are playing the Orioles.

John: And the 1-2.

Suzyn: Goodness Gracious John. This heat is making us all feel a little bit goofy today.

John: Suzyn, no matter how hard you try, you just can't predict the heat.

Suzyn: I remember when George Brett was here and he fried an egg on the AstroTurf.

John: Any pine tar on that Suzyn?

Suzyn: Yuckle Yuckle hee haw ha. That's funny Jowhn.

John: That was the 15th out, which means its Geico's 15th out where you can save 15% on car insurance.

Suzyn: You think that Geko likes this weather Jowhn?

~I am not sure if this is completely accurate, but from my recollection it seems like a good guess.

Not Voorhees, Kendall.

It was 11 years ago that Jason Kendall was involved in a scary injury in which his ankle bone connected to his nothing bone and shot out of his skin like a harpoon (Google it, its nasty)

Now, he’s back as the catcher for the Royals, and he’s psycho-ed up for tonight’s game against the Yankees.

What’s scarier than a blood spattered hockey mask? Anything to do with the KC Royals who sit at the bottom of the AL Central at 47-68 and are bracing themselves for a 78th consecutive last place season.

“It’s Friday the 13th. My name is Jason. It’s always been a good date for me.”

We checked. He was 2 for 4 with an RBI in a Pirates 4-2 loss to the Cubs on Friday April 13th, 2001. There hasn’t been much else.

“Well, he wears a mask, I wear a mask. He carries a big ol’ knife, I carry a mitt. He has a rivalry with Freddie. Freddy Garcia once struck me out. College girls always run away screaming from both of us. Me and the infamous Jason have alot in common."

Like what

“I was born on Friday the 13th.”

Really?

“Well, I was born on June 26th. But I could have been born on Friday the 13th. I am from Camp Crystal Lake.”

Really?

“Well, I’m from San Diego. But I could have been from Camp Crystal Lake. I wake up every day in a muddy grave.”

Really?

“Well, it’s a posture-pedic. But it could be a muddy grave.”

We encountered a mysterious old man who let us in on the only way to defeat Jason: Pitch to him. Kendall is batting .262 on the year with zero homeruns.

“I could have hit 50 home runs one year.”

No you couldn’t have

Dustin Mosely takes the hill tonight. Hopefully the Yanks will snuff out the Royals, and Jason, for good.

Staggering into Texas, Curtis G. was only hitting a measly .240 with 10 home runs. This is a far cry from his All-Star status just a year ago.

Grandy decided that he needed a change. He was sick of hearing boos from the fans and Ramiro Pena, who has been poking fun at him on an hourly basis.

"I've seen rusty gates that swing better than you. Curtis Stone from that cooking show is a better hitting Curtis than you." Pena would say.

Granderson told Kevin Long he was ready to try anything. Even salmon flavored ice cream, if necessary. What ever works.

"What would you suggest?" he said, according to Mr. Long. "I want to do something different."

Different is a good starting point, because if he did the same thing, that wouldn't be a change at all. And then Ramiro Pena would just start poking fun again.

Kevin Long, who is known for some wacky antics, made Granderson wash and wax his car. Next he had him clean out his gutters.

"You said anything." Said Long.

Curtis responded by getting two hits last night. Let's hope it continues.

About us: We have met some incredible people while volunteering at fundraisers that help researchers find a cure for ALS. The resiliency that we see in the people who fight this disease on a daily basis is amazing. We wanted to help do our part and make sure that the money we raise skips the middle man organization and goes directly to help fund research.

A portion of all proceeds go to help find a cure for ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). For all products sold, a donation will be made directly to the Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC. Their Mission is very simple. Find a cure for ALS.

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Thursday
NYY: Sabathia (14-5, 3.14 ERA)
KC: Chen (7-5, 4.44 ERA)

Friday
NYY: Moseley (2-1, 3.86 ERA)
KC: Davies (5-7, 5.21 ERA)

Saturday
NYY: Hughes (13-5, 3.92 ERA)
KC: O'Sullivan (1-3, 5.05 ERA)

Sunday
NYY: Burnett (9-9, 4.87 ERA)
KC: Bannister (7-11, 5.95 ERA)

After 3 minutes of discussion, self proclaimed project leader Blake Bickerstaff came up with the idea of the century... Putting Marcus Thames face on the Statue of Liberty. This genius idea came after the Yankees won last night's game where Marcus [The new Reuben Sierra] went 3-5 with a HR and couple of RBI's.

"The idea just came to me really. It just makes sense after the two games Marcus had against Texas." Blake Bickerstaff said. "I contacted Mayor Bloomberg directly by email. I says to him ...Let's get this done. Our city needs it. I will chizzle that sucker on there myself if I have to."

The 4ft 5inch mayor could not be reached for comment or reach a door handle without wearing Sketcher Shape Ups for that matter.

This was a great come back win for the Yankees as they won 7-6 after a scary 9th. We are starting to worry a bit about Posada and the catching situation, but we will see what happens.

On a positive note, we can't wait to see the NEW LOOK Curtis Granderson swing that is due back today. Rumor has it that he will be laying down in the batter's box instead of standing. Kevin Long believes this will keep him from "wiggling" so damn much while at the plate.

KC is next.

Summer in Texas is a terrible thing. The temperature in Arlington yesterday settled at a balmy 136 degrees with a heat index that made it well over 200. Players were sticky and uncomfortable. Mosquitoes were stalking Joba Chamberlain. And the Rangers, who clinched their division title in early May, sweated out the win. Many believe this could potentially be a preview of the AL Championship series.

The Rangers will send ace southpaw Cliff Lee to the hill tonight. It was just a month ago that Lee almost became a member of the Yankees. But in a shistey, Texas Hold-Em style blufferoo, the Rangers swooped in at the last second, and, despite being half a billion dollars in debt were able to land the most sought after player on the market.

Manager Joe Girardi held a team meeting this morning. He unveiled a secret weapon to cool down the bombers before tonight’s game. Ice cream. Each member of the team got to select a half-gallon of ice cream to eat during the day. Girardi’s hopes? The ice cream will act as an internal coolant and keep the players running fresh tonight.

“Coming to Texas is a pain in the you know what.” Girardi explained to us after the meeting. “I hate coming here, especially in the summer. It’s hot. And the bugs are ridiculous. Last night I had to use a baseball bat to swat a roach that was bigger than my old catcher’s mitt.”

The clubhouse was a sight to see. Robinson Cano was scooping strawberry ice cream right from the carton with a large spoon. Derek Jeter preferred Mint Chocolate Chip, while tonight’s starter Javier Vazquez opted for French Vanilla. David Wells chose three half gallons of cookie dough and devoured them with his bare hands, which is strange since he hasn’t been on the team for several years.

We’ll see if the plan works. First pitch is tonight at 8:05pm